Are You TOO NICE?

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” Dr. Seuss

In my last issue, I talked about the importance of tapping into your strengths, talents and gifts, and sharing them with the world. On my teleclass, I explained that helping your daughter tune into her “BIGNESS” (which really translates into her belief and pride in herself, and her confidence in expressing that self out in the world) is a wonderful antidote to shame, low self-esteem, body image and eating angst.

So if it’s so important for you to be “out there” in a bold way with who you are, then why is it so difficult, particularly for girls and women?

I don’t know about you, but when I was a girl, I was very, very “good.”  I looked cute, I acted sweet, and I tried my best to make everyone happy (with the hope that, in return, they would like me).  It was a perfect solution: I could protect myself from conflict by just being who “they” wanted me to be!

As I got older (after a fair amount of teenage and early-twenties struggle and angst with my body and food), I realized I was in a big predicament: I either begin to express my true self, or I siphon that self off to continue to please others. Luckily, my true self prevailed (although the fear of being rejected or unliked for becoming bolder still rears its ugly head from time to time).

I don’t think I’m alone in this dilemma.

Females are genetically programmed to nurture and take care of others, to care about relationships, and to value connection. This is biological, so it’s hardwired in our brains.  However, we also receive both spoken and unspoken pressures, from the time we are very little, that the girls who are “good” and “nice” and “pretty” (“pleasing”) are the girls who are accepted and liked.  (Remember, little girls are made of “sugar and spice and everything nice”?).

This message comes at us loudly and clearly from every which way (teachers, parents, relatives, friends, boys, and especially the media), and it hits us like a ton of bricks as we hit puberty and adolescence.

And it doesn’t have a pretty outcome:  For many girls and women, the process of “pleasing” everyone else siphons off your own inner awareness; your own desires and dreams and passions; your own “true selves.”  YOUR BIGNESS.  (And this siphoning off of your true self is often reflected in struggles with body image and food, or some other emotional struggle).

Now the truth is, we ARE happier when we have friends; we ARE biologically programmed to want to connect; and it’s normal to want to be liked.

So what’s a girl or woman to do?  How can you be true to yourself (and help your daughter be true to herself) and still maintain your relationships? (These things are NOT mutually exclusive).

Here are some ideas to help YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER share your BIGNESS with the world:

1. Become aware of yourself and know when you are doing something out of fear (fear of rejection, fear of not being liked, fear of getting “in trouble”) vs. out of desire (it feels very different).  Try to operate from a place of desire.

2. Know that you can be very kind and compassionate and loving toward others without sacrificing your soul.   Kindness and compassion are two of my highest values. However, the only way to really fully express these values is by offering true kindness and compassion to yourself, without hesitation.

3. Encourage your daughter (and yourself) to honor her feelings by saying NO and negotiating with others, even if she’s scared someone will be mad.

4. Ask her what she did today that made her proud. Let her enjoy her pride and feel great about expressing it.  (So many of us were told we were too big for our britches! No way!

5. Identify bold female role models who stand up for what they believe in and share their gifts and talents in a big way.

6. What are your dreams? Seriously. What would you LOVE to be doing? Let yourself really think about this, and if you have a hard time, think back to when you were a kid: What did you LOVE to do?

7. Take action, and help your daughter take action, toward dreams, goals, and inspiration. I know, it can be scary, but a little fear never hurt anyone. Teach your daughter that she can feel the fear and do it anyway – and not only survive, but emerge feeling more confident and proud!

I’d love to hear your thoughts! Did this article resonate with you? Have your dreams been smooshed by the “niceness” problem? Have you ever sacrificed yourself and your desires because you didn’t want to get in trouble? Or make someone mad? What is one thing you wish you were doing that you’re not doing because someone may not like it?

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Karen Schachter is a psychology of eating expert. She believes that each of us deserve to feel nourished, joyful and at peace with food and in our lives. Through her programs, she inspires and supports girls and women to value themselves, tune into their intuition, and nourish their bodies, their minds and their spirits. Karen combines her understanding of emotional issues with her nutrition knowledge to help clients make real, long-lasting changes in their lives.