Is she a better mom than you?

Secretly, most moms wonder if they measure up.

If they are doing a “good enough” job. If they are hurting or helping their kids.  Most moms spend a lot of energy and effort trying to be “better” moms and end up feeling guilty anyway.  (Anything goes wrong with my child, it MUST be my fault somehow).

What’s up with this?  (That GUILT thing)
With hundreds (maybe thousands) of parenting books on the market, a culture of “mother blaming” (yes, it’s true, our culture – even fellow moms – still looks to Mom when things go wrong), and our own inborn maternal desire to protect and care for our children, most of us moms hold on to a deep belief that if we become PERFECT mothers, we can protect our children from heartache, difficulties and struggle.  We can control what happens in their life (and ours).  (And we can somehow make up for the “mistakes” in our own childhood).

NEWSFLASH:  No matter how hard you strive, how clean your house is, how healthy their lunch box is, how many books you read, your children’s lives are their own.  And all that striving and trying and guilt…well, it’s likely it’s making you very very tired.

Yes, you can support your children and love them and guide them. And that accounts for a whole lot. But ultimately, they will be who they will be, and their journey will be theirs to navigate.  Running around and spinning yourself in circles to try try to try to be a “better” mom may not be serving either you or them.

So if feeling guilty, trying harder and feeling tired and frustrated doesn’t work, what does?

1) Accept, once and for all, that there is no perfect mom (Your neighbor, your best friend, and even the mom who is working hard to LOOK like she’s perfect…NOT).  Kids don’t need a perfect mom (it just puts pressure on them to be perfect kids, which is NOT FUN.  Trust me. I tried and it worked ’til it all broke down my junior year in high school.  “Perfect girls” are more likely to struggle with depression, eating disorders and self-esteem issues).

2) Your children’s lives are their own. Love them for who THEY are, not who you’d like them to be.  This can be hard. (It about killed me when my son preferred to play alone in preschool. Not social? How could that be? Turns out, his social needs are quite different than mine). Better get used to it so I can support him in getting HIS needs met (not mine).

3)  Be happy. Seriously. Find YOUR bliss, instead of just basking in your childrens’ glory. THIS will do wonders for your children. Children need parents who have a life that they love. Who have a full life that is more than being a parent. Not only do they learn from this (we all want our daughters to see that life as a woman is FUN, not burdensome), but it relieves them of a whole lot of pressure to have to “be” something FOR us. 

4) If there is something that worries you or bothers your or is stressing you out about your child, take a look in the mirror FIRST.  If something in your child is triggering something in you, it’s imperative that you work on your “stuff” around this issue so you can more clearly and fully support her.  (This happens a lot with eating and body image issues).

5)  Take AMAZINGLY great care of yourself. Fill yourself up. Make sure you are well-nourished.  I know that the airplane metaphor is overused (“put on your oxygen mask before putting on your child’s”), but this is the bottom line: You can not be fully present for anyone if you are not well-cared-for yourself.  I know, what with the carpools and meetings and well-balanced meals, there’s no time, but truly, this may be your most important job of all as a parent.

I would looooooove to hear what you wanted from your Mom and what you do, now, as a Mom to feel good, both about yourself and your parenting! Please share your thoughts – the more we moms talk about this, the more we can create real change together!

Well, recently, I had the chance to share the joy, thrill, and FEAR of watching my 6-year-old daughter, who just by a lick reached the height limit, go down her first ENORMOUS water slide. And as with many aspects of parenting, I felt both excitement and pride in her desire to stretch her courage muscle, as well as fear and worry about how she’d experience it. (And frankly my thoughts about whether she’d go flying off the side didn’t help).

The truth is, I knew she’d be safe. I knew my fear involved something else entirely: What if she hated it? What if she got to the top and cried because she’s so scared? What if …? And I also feared for myself: What if something — anything — happened to her?

And these fears aren’t different from the many other fears I’ve had as a parent each time one of my children takes a step toward a risk. A risk that’s both exciting and a little scary.

Every time, I try to bite my tongue, smile, and let them know I believe in them (even when I’m not fully feeling it!). As parents, we’re always trying to protect our children from danger, discomfort, and struggle. We FEEL their potential pain or disappointment, and we want to do everything we can to help them avoid it.

Although it’s our job to keep them safe, if we take our protection too far (which I see parents — including myself — unwittingly do all the time), we may weaken their courage muscle and, as a result, their self-esteem.

And self-esteem, confidence in one’s abilities, and belief in one’s inner strength can be a powerful antidote to struggles with food, eating and body image.

I see it all the time: As my clients begin to strengthen their courage muscle and ACT on (rather than procrastinate or avoid) the things that excite them and turn them on (despite fear, which is always there when you stretch in this way), food and eating stresses become less intense. Not only are they more “filled up” in their lives, but they feel stronger and more confident in their capabilities.

(Believe me, my daughter was not thinking about an ice cream cone before, during or after that ride; yet had she WANTED to do it and not allowed herself, I am guessing ice cream might have been the first thing on her mind). Food often becomes a necessary replacement when we aren’t filled up with enough yummy and meaningful experiences, when we’re disappointed in ourselves for not taking a “big bite” out of our life, or when we are feeling incapable or insecure.

So how can you help your daughter strengthen her “courage muscle”?

* Examine your own courage muscle, and try to model feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

* Notice when your own anxiety gets stirred up because of something your daughter wants to do, and ask yourself whether that anxiety is real fear (i.e. your intuition is picking up that she’s really in danger somehow) or if it’s triggering your own wish to protect her from experiencing some healthy “growing pains.” If it’s the latter, try not to show her your own fear (which she may interpret as the belief you don’t think she’s capable).

* Expose your daughter to courageous role models — women who are doing admirable things, despite their fear.

* Notice when your daughter WANTS to stretch but may be afraid to step into it, and gently but powerfully help her take action. Empathize with her fear, but help her focus on her desire. Help her realize what the cost is of not doing what she really wants, and brainstorm how she can survive worst-case scenerios.

* Identify with your daughter all the things she’s done that were initially scary, but which she then conquered, reminding her that she can survive (and thrive) from taking on new challenges as she is ready.

As always, thank you for reading and I would LOVE to hear your comments!

Suspended by a rope and a wire. And a whole lot of courage.

Although all the safety checks were in place and our intellectual minds “knew” that we were safe and we’d make it to the other side in one piece, our emotionally-based minds were full of fears and “what ifs” and “I can’ts.”

These fearful minds of ours attempted to protect us from falling. From getting hurt. And also, from having fun. From experiencing the thrill of flying through the air. From facing our fears and pushing ourselves just beyond our comfort zone.

From staying the course so we could make it to the other side, exhilarated and accomplished and more confident than when we started.

Luckily, I was able to put my years of meditation and affirmations and visualizations to good use to support myself, as I pushed past my comfort zone and into that space of uncertainty. (And it sure didn’t hurt to have a bunch of girls and moms yelling, “Come on, Karen, you can do it!!”)

But there were moments, suspended mid-air, walking careful step by careful step, across a narrow wire, where I wanted to turn back. Where my heart was beating, my legs were shaking and I wasn’t sure if I could make it.

And yet, I could not turn back.

I had no choice but to stay the course. And lucky for me – and for all the girls and moms who chose to push bravely through their fears – the thrill and the sense of accomplishment we experienced afterwards was incredible.

Real life is not much different.

Life is full of challenges. High wires and bold jumps and risks we must take in order to get to the other side. To get what we really want.

Any achievement, accomplishment, or goal that holds real meaning brings with it its own risk. Risk of failure, risk of embarrassment, risk of vulnerability or risk of success.

And it’s easy, when faced with these risks, to get off course; to give up on our dreams and our goals or to settle for staying on the ground; rather than soaring toward our biggest and brightest selves.

As parents, there is nothing we want more than to see our children embrace the courage to pursue their dreams. We KNOW that self-confidence GROWS when they experience their strengths and move through their fears. Yet letting them fly can be scary and can require a real commitment to facing our OWN growing pains and fears.

Here are a few tips for helping your children experience the exhilaration and excitement and inner pride that comes from staying the course in life.

• Watch your language. Constantly telling your child to be careful or “don’t get hurt” may feel like you are protecting them, but too much of that and you are conveying that they should stay small and safe; that getting hurt could be intolerable and they shouldn’t risk it.
• Watch your own anxiety. Often, unwittingly, we transfer our own anxiety about failure and success to our children. We worry that they will suffer like we did, that they will fail and experience embarrassment, that they will experience discomfort. These feelings get transferred to them and they end up experiencing those feelings themselves. Work on your own “stuff” so your children can experience their own journey without being burdened by your unfinished business.
• Watch out for “I can’ts” in yourself and in your children. Usually “I can’t” means “I won’t” or “I’m scared” or “I don’t know how.” I can’t” is very disempowering because it makes it feel as though the choice is out of our hands. And often, it is not the truth. I felt like saying I can’t when I was on the high wire, but the truth was, I could and I did.
• Change the I can’ts or I’m scared into affirmations and visualizations. Help your child picture himself getting to the other side, succeeding at the thing he is afraid of. Or help her shift her language so it feels more positive and hopeful. Repeat these positive visualizations and affirmations frequently.
• Rather than pushing, simply offer unconditional love. Know that we each do things at our own pace, but in the presence of unconditional love – love that is not invested in a specific outcome or success – we are able to grow into our best and brightest and most courageous selves.

“What do you want to play – WII Sports or WII Play? Bowling? Boxing?” she asked me.

I replied that I didn’t really know, since I don’t really know the options. I asked her what she’s prefer.

“You decide!” she implored, “I really don’t care. I want you to choose. Please!”

My heart sank. It’s not that I didn’t really want to choose which WII to play. It’s that her “not caring” and “wanting me to choose” were becoming too-familiar phrases around our house lately. At almost 7 years old, my daughter has already begun to “learn” how to be a “nice” girl. UGH.

Not that I don’t want her to be a kind and compassionate person (of course I do!). I’m talking about something different here (see my past article on the curse of being TOO NICE nice).

I’m talking about this thing that happens to girls (and WOMEN!!) in which we learn to put others first, to automatically gauge our desires and wants according to what we think others want, and to tune out our own intuition and self-awareness of our own wants and needs.

The implications on our lives, of course, are huge and I see it ALL THE TIME in my practice: girls and women who are disconnected from their own needs, desires, wants, and HUNGERS. Girls and women who aren’t sure what will support them in their lives, how to choose what to do for a career, what to say when they don’t want to do something (so they say yes and feel overwhelmed, resentful, depressed), and how to NOURISH their hungers (on so many levels).

You can see, I’m sure, how this relates to food and eating. When you don’t know what you want, you may not know how to discern your hunger and what truly “feeds” you. When you don’t know how to tune into your intuition or express your own needs and wants, you may “stuff” those down with “fake” forms of “fullness” (i.e. comfort food). When you say yes when you really mean to say no, you become depleted and exhausted and “starving.”

One of the best ways we can support our daughters in having a healthy relationship to food and eating is to help them learn how to have a healthy relationship with their emotional hungers and desires. It is our job, as the main women in their lives, to nourish and support the awareness – and expression! – of their desires, their hungers, and their big, bold selves.

Here are a few practical ideas for supporting your daughter in her SELF expression:

1) Notice if your daughter is being subtly rewarded for siphoning off her desires. Do teachers always tell you how sweet she is and how she puts other people first? Do you find yourself complimenting her more when she’s being “easy” and “thoughtful”? Do you get angry or frustrated when she says “no” to you or expresses a different opinion?

2) Start becoming aware of the times she does offer her opinion (even if it’s different from yours), express her desires and says no, and let her know that you like hearing what she wants! (Even if she says “no” to something you want her to do, you can acknowledge her ability to express herself while still standing your ground.)

3) Be direct: “Honey, you have a good mind. Ask yourself what YOU really want. You don’t always have to make me – or others – happy. Your opinions are important and valuable.”

4) Depending on her age, share stories of yourself and why you believe so strongly in her self-expression. Here’s a condensed version: “When I was a girl, I always tried to make other people happy because I thought they would like me better. It ended up making me sad and angry and tired. I’ve learned how important it is for me to express my real feelings. I want to support you in that too because YOU are so important and your ideas are so valuable.”

5) Notice your own struggles with expressing what you need, want, desire, think. MODEL saying no, speaking up, expressing your feelings honestly, asking for what you want. Your daughter is learning from you whether it’s really ok to say what she means.

6) When it comes to eating, try to avoid phrases like “you must be hungry! You haven’t eaten anything!” or “how can you possibly want that? You just ate!” This just serves to tune them away from their own internal hungers. Our daughters are the “knowers” of their hungers. It’s our job to help them tune into that “knowing” rather than being the “knowers” for them (more on this another time!)

I’d love to hear your comments and experiences with your own daughters and how you’re addressing some of these same challenges.

And this makes perfect sense. If you’re a mom, you have a minimum of 400 million things on your to-do list most weeks.  You’re shuffling carpool, afterschool activities, doctor’s appointments, and birthday parties (just to name a few). (And this doesn’t take into account all of your other responsibilities outside of the home).

And although there are plenty of things that can boost your energy (sleep, healthy eating, exercise), even these things won’t really shift things for you if you’re afraid of, or ignoring, your “inner bitch.”

Why the heck would i encourage you to listen to your inner bitch? If you know me, you know I’m all about kindness and connection and making the world a better place.

Well, if you ignore your inner bitch, your life is going to feel pretty overstuffed and exhausting.   She’s the part of you that whispers “ugh” to you when you get an invitation to a party you don’t want to go to; that internally yells “no way do I want to volunteer for the auction committee again” when the head of the PTA asks so nicely; she’s the one that really wants your kids to LEAVE YOU ALONE after they’ve asked you to stay awake – again – for “5 more minutes.”  And she’s the one who feels overstuffed and really doesn’t want seconds when her mother-in-law piles more on her plate.

Your inner bitch is really your INNER PROTECTOR. I call her your “inner bitch” because most women are not comfortable saying “no” – they think it’s selfish and bitchy and rude.  (But ironically, when we ignore her, we are more likely to have to act selfish and bitchy and rude just to create a little space for ourselves; and if we don’t act it out? Guess what? We turn that voice on ourselves, telling ourselves we must try harder, do more, be better somehow.  EXHAUSTING).

Your inner bitch is dying to be listened to.  She wants to protect you from taking on too much, from doing things you don’t want to do, from saying yes when you mean no! She knows your energy and time are sacred!

Yet so many women and girls have not learned to honor this inner protector, and instead learn to silence her.  Instead of saying “no thank you” to the party invitation, they reply “yes” or “maybe” and then wish they didn’t have to go; instead of saying “no thank you” to the PTA head, they say “sure, I can help” and then feel resentful and annoyed when they are up licking envelops at 11 pm instead of in bed; instead of leaving their kids to fall asleep, they continue to read for “a few more minutes” (and then wonder where the time went and why they can’t get to bed early); instead of saying “no thank you” to second helpings, they dutifully pick at the added food on their plate.

When you begin to listen to your inner bitch, aka your inner protector, you kindly and gently say “no” to the things that don’t serve you. You exercise the “my needs count muscle” and you learn to not over-stuff your plate with things that “fill” your time but don’t necessarily nourish your spirit.

Learning to say no to “excess” in life helps you learn how to say “no” to excess with food. To junk that doesn’t nourish you. To overeating “too much of a good thing.” You gently and kindly learn how to honor your needs – both on and off the plate – and fill yourself to the point of satisfaction, not till you’re overstuffed.

I’d love to hear how this resonates with you, so please, leave a comment on the blog. Do you “overstuff” your life? Do you find your energy drained with “too much to do”?  Do you find it hard to say no, to food, to people, to stuff??

It doesn’t come in a pill; it doesn’t come with “looking hot” in other people’s eyes; and it doesn’t come in a drive-through.

Want to know what it is? The secret is: DESIRE and PLEASURE.  Slowing down long enough – even if just for a moment – to know what your body truly desires and to meet those needs by savoring a deep and delicious connection with your senses.  To give your body what “she” truly craves…

WHAAAAT???

You don’t have time to slow down? You don’t have time to experience the delicious pleasure of a beautiful meal? Or the lingering pleasure of a hot bath, soothing massage, or slow dance under the sunset?

(I know, me neither…

But here’s the thing: Your body is designed for pleasure. Your desires seek to be honored.  And when you ignore these inherent needs, your body, your mind, your spirit will find a way to get those needs met.  (And that might mean a couple of donuts, a pint of ice-cream, or whatever your favorite “pleasure-replacer” is).

And when your daughter “learns” from the media that the most important thing about her body is how “pretty” (read: pleasing) it is to OTHER people, she too learns to ignore her own need for feeling good in exchange for making sure she looks good (and is pleasing) to everyone else.

The antidote?  Teaching her – and yourself – how to honor and celebrate your internal desires. How to savor a meal. Find pleasure in a sunset.  Linger in a hot tub. Enjoy her body and what feels good. Because she deserves nothing less.

And you deserve nothing less too. (I know, I know, when Eve ate the apple and gave into her desires, look what happened!)  But this is an old story. The current truth is this: Seeking (and awakening) pleasure and sensuality will not lead you astray. In fact, you just may notice that when you learn to embrace the deliciousness that is in your DNA, that is part of your life energy…well, life becomes a little more fun and a whole lot more satisfying.

Don’t know where to start? Try taking a PLEASURE INVENTORY. Make a list of all the things that bring you (or used to bring you) pleasure…from the little to the big.  Notice how often you include those in your life, and see if any feel enticing now.  Invite your daughter to create her own pleasure inventory…What a powerful message you will be sending!

I’d LOVE to hear how this resonates with you and what pleasures you’re going to include in your week! Leave a message on the blog!

Yet how then is food often confused for love? I’ve heard it from clients and friends, and I’ve experienced it myself: When we’re down, when we’re lonely, when we’re bored, when we’re stressed, when we’re angry…many of us turn to food in an attempt to feel better. And yes, it’s true. Food can be delicious, pleasurable, exciting, sensual, and fun (actually, that does sound a lot like traits of an ideal partner, doesn’t it?), but still…it really isn’t love.

I am not talking about the times we eat because we want to enjoy a good meal, a special treat, or to celebrate with family or friends. I am talking about turning to food in an act of desperation. Turning to food when what we really need is a hug, some rest, a great yoga class, a massage, some alone time, a long walk, a good book, some care or attention – either from our self or someone else.

From the time we are born, food and love are intimately linked. Love is food – literally. As babies, we feel the warm, cozy sensations of drinking milk and being held, but we can’t necessarily distinguish between the two. We just know it feels good.

As we get older, food may continue to be associated with love (“oh honey, don’t cry…here’s a cookie” or “I’m so proud of you…let’s go out for ice cream”). This is often a parent’s instinct, yet when used too frequently, we do not learn to distinguish anger, pain, exhaustion, frustration, sadness or even excitement from physical hunger. We become disconnected from our REAL feelings and, rather than search for a real solution, we learn to use food to feed our emotions. For some, food may have become a reliable companion and friend. The lines between food and love were understandably blurred.

There is also the fact that many of us, brought up in a culture where women are taught to be “nice” by tuning into others’ needs, got good at tuning out ourselves. When we ignore our emotional hunger and feel undernourished, our desire for food gets stronger. If we listen, we may get a clue as to what we need – a clue that some other area of our life needs attention.

A small example of that was my love affair with Ben and Jerry’s the other night after a stressful day. If I had put the ice cream down long enough to actually even taste it, I might have become aware that I really needed some deep relaxation…a bath or a mindless magazine while lounging on the couch might have done the job. I chose a quick fix instead, but unfortunately, like most love-replacements, it didn’t work for long.

The thing about food is, it does work – temporarily. The food that many of us confuse with love (sweets and crunchy salty snack food) affects our biochemistry and gives us a quick lift or calming feeling in the short-run. Unfortunately, this feeling doesn’t last and we still end up stuck with the feelings that needed real tending to.

So how can we find clarity, and use food as food (fun, nourishing, pleasurable, filling our physical hunger) and find love in the right place?

One of my favorite nutritional psychology teachers, Marc David, has an expression: “lose weight…gain life.” Although this is not about weight loss, I do believe that it is much easier to make positive shifts in our eating once we’ve learned how to nourish ourselves in our lives. What areas of your life need attention? Where can you go for support and how can you support yourself? What would it feel like to begin nourishing yourself in your life and with food?

Make sure to include yourself on your Valentine’s Day “love” list today and give yourself a little lovin’ too!

Are you giving yourself the OXYGEN first?  We all know that a healthy romance actually starts with You.

Did you know that there are Love Gremlins who will wreak mischief on your ability to BE a loving soul?  The following are my top 5 Love Gremlins.  Ready? Let me introduce you…

#1 The People Pleaser

This gremlin will insist that you attempt to please everyone. Your energy is on “them” and guessing at what will make “them” happy. You often say yes when your heart begs no.

#2 Holding onto Bitterness

We all suffer from experiences in our lives that cause us to suffer. And some require healing, therapy and personal growth. But this gremlin acts like a broken record, re-hashing your victim hood and keeping the old wounds alive. It takes a brave-hearted soul to let go of past hurts, but the reward is self-love and moving on.

#3 Energy Zappers

An energy-zapping gremlin is anything that lowers your energy and thus decreases your life force. Often you become so used to living with your zappers that you are not conscious of their effect on your life.  Some examples of zappers might be:

Fluorescent lit rooms with no windows
Junk food
Watching excessive television
Always feeling exhausted after having been with a particular person
Drinking too much alcohol
Not telling the truth
Clutter

#4 Filling your schedule with SHOULD’s

The ‘should’ gremlin has no appreciation for what you are getting accomplished and offers a never-ending barrage of what still ‘should’ be getting done. You’ll know this gremlin is on your back if you are indulging in busyness on a consistent basis, doing a task you don’t enjoy, and working all the time without taking time to rest and rejuvenate.

#5 Running on Empty

This gremlin will insist that you “push” through your tasks without refueling your energy tanks with self-care.   The result? Your ability to love gracefully gets replaced by a short-circuiting, exhausted, and moody version of yourself.

The good news is that all 5 gremlins melt away when confronted with large doses of “Self-Love.”

Your Self-Love Challenge.

Repeat after me:  Instead of indulging my love gremlins, I make myself a priority by…

Filling my energy tanks with my favorite self-care rewards.  This can be as simple as spending $4 on a gorgeous magazine that inspires you or pausing for a cup of hot cocoa.
Replacing 2 of my energy zappers with energy juicers.  For example, if your energy is “zapped” by excessive time on the computer, then walk away from the technology for an hour.  Replace that time with something that’s juicy for you (perhaps a walk in nature or your favorite physical activity.)
I will take at least one “should” off my to do list.  I dare you. See if the world comes to a hault. I bet it doesn’t. ☺
I will forgive someone or something from my past by letting go.  Some favorite resources to help you:  Zero Limits by Joe Vitale, A Course in Miracles, and A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson.

What’s your experience with love gremlins?  Do you have a favorite remedy?  Please share with us by submitting a comment below.

This is not because you’re a loser or have no willpower or are a hopeless case. And I am not going to tell you that you just need to try harder, or have a better plan, in order to make it happen. I know how hard you already try (or you wouldn’t be here!). My piece of advice is much juicier than that!

Desire, my friend, may be your answer. The missing piece to the puzzle of how to reach your goals, express your dreams and create all those grand plans you have for your life.

First, let me just say, change is hard…every bone in your body, cell in your being, and neuron in your brain is wired to resist change, repeat the same old patterns and maintain the status quo (why this is so is another story, but for now, suffice it to say, it’s true. However it’s also true that our brains, our bodies and our beings are very capable of change as long as certain elements are in place).

Desire is one of those elements…the wind beneath your wings, the passion behind your dreams, the zest that allows change to happen. Without desire, your best laid plans, your smartest strategies, your biggest goals fall flat. Your plans, strategies and goals start to feel like a bunch of “shoulds” or “have to’s”- rather than “wants.” You begin to feel that “someone” is making you do the thing you said you were going to do – exercise, eat healthier, get organized, go to bed earlier – you feel burdened, and then YOU REBEL.

Here’s my most recent encounter with rebelling against myself: I made a commitment to practice yoga 4-5 x a week for 30 days. I cut myself some slack and told myself it could be any amount of yoga, from 10 minutes to an hour or more. I just wanted to create a new habit, new neurons, new pathways in my body and my brain. And most of all, I wanted to feel the deliciousness, groundedness, and peace I always experience from yoga.

The first week was great – yoga 4 times! The second week, I found myself in the old, familiar place of resisting. I didn’t have time. I was tired. I had other things to do. I put it off. I made all kinds of “really good” excuses, and at the same time, was completely aware that I was letting myself down. I began to criticize myself, “What is WRONG with you? Why can’t you commit to ANYTHING?”…and worse.

Then it hit me: Yoga was beginning to feel like a big old burden…ONE MORE THING I HAD TO DO! And I was rebelling (kind of like I did when I was a teen, only this time I was rebelling against myself, not my mother!). This yoga, which started out as a deep desire to experience more groundedness, centeredness and inner peace, began to feel like a “have to,” a “should” – as if some bully was “making me” do it!

(This is when most of us throw in the towel and say “screw it.”)

As soon as I became aware of this, I reconnected with the desire. I reminded myself that I wanted this and was doing it for no one else but myself. Guess what? I was on the mat that very day.

I share this with you because my guess is, you too, may have felt yourself sabotaging yourself, holding yourself back from something you really want. Today’s a new day.
Don’t go pushing yourself to exercise, or get back on that great diet plan, or follow some other brilliant strategy. Not just yet.

First, if you have an inner bully or a “pusher” or “should-er” – a part of you who lays on the pressure – get to know her a bit. Where did this voice come from? Who in your life needed you to be a certain way or had high expectations? Who are you really rebelling against?

Second, re-evaluate your goal. Is this something YOU really, truly want or is it something that feels more like a “should”? Exercise is a good example. “I should exercise” feels like a burden. “I want to move my body and get stronger” feels like a gift. How can you re-shape your goal to feel more like a gift to yourself?

And finally, before you start any “plan,” reconnect with your deepest desire. Why do you want this thing? What will you feel like when you have it? How do you want to feel? Hold that feeling in your mind when your inner bully tries to take the fun, the yumminess, and the juice out of your life.

And please, share your insights and ideas with me here on the blog! I’d LOVE to hear how you sabotage yourself and how you support yourself. I’d love to know what desires you’ll be honoring within yourself this year!

Want to use this article in your next newsletter or on your website? You have my permission as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Karen Schachter is a psychology of eating expert who is committing to helping women and girls develop positive relationships to food and their bodies. Ready to feel inspired and nourished? Get your FREE tips now at www.dishingwithyourdaughters.com

BRACE YOURSELF. If you do nothing else to prepare for the coming of 2011 promise me right now that you’ll read EVERY WORD of this article.

Promise me that you’ll read it like your life depends on it; because IT DOES!

And here’s my promise to you: If you read every word, and take the advice I’m going to give you and actually DO IT, …this ONE piece of advice has the potential to change your entire life… FOREVER.  Period.  No lie.

(I know that sounds like a TALL order, but trust me, this “advice” completely changed my life and I know it can do the same for you.  SO KEEP READING!!)

Why I’m Not Joking That This Is The Most “SHOCKING” Advice for 2011!

Yes, this is going to be incredible advice, but here’s what’s even better…

The advice you’re about to read isn’t just my opinion.  In fact this article is the result of several highly talented Health Coaches who came together recently to “brainstorm” our best recommendations for 2011.

And amongst all the brilliant ideas thrown into the ring, the one you’ll read today came out as the “winner”.  The top dog.  The #1 recommendation we’d all make to our clients for 2011!

Here’s the reason why….

The Rapid “Decline” In Society We’re Witnessing

We knew the recommendation we needed to make had to be MASSIVE.

It needed to be a suggestion that could create change for you on an unprecedented scale.  Something that would really “rock your world”.

Why so “BIG”, you ask?

Because the truth of the matter is, our country in the midst of a major health care CRISIS.

More and more clients are coming to us for reasons like these, without a clue how to help themselves:

• Overweight or obese
• Suffering from low energy and constant fatigue
• Craving sugar and sweets
• Struggling with eating disorders (happening at younger and younger ages!)
• Feeling depressed
• Experiencing anxiety, irritability or other mood swings
• Stressed out all the time
• Experiencing dissatisfaction in their relationships
• Hating their bodies
• Living beyond their financial means or just “never having enough”
• Just don’t have enough time for the life they want to live
• Having difficulty making decisions and staying focused
• Procrastinating on anything and everything
• Not knowing how to figure out what they really want in life
• And the list goes on…

And as we all brainstormed, we knew at the root of so many of these problems that we, as a society, are experiencing these days is ONE GIANT CAUSE…

(It’s like the big pink elephant in the corner that no one talks about–but we, as Health Coaches, are well-versed in this concept).

Drum roll please…..

Lack of “Primary Food” As A Major Factor For Decline

As you may know, I’m a graduate from the largest nutrition school in the world, the Institute for Integrative Nutrition.  As part of my education, I studied every MAJOR dietary theory in the world, from modern Macrobiotics to ancient theories such as Ayurveda and Traditional Chinese Medicine.

But one major theory that’s unique to my school is the concept of:

“Primary Food vs. Secondary Food”

Let me to explain…

You see, Secondary Foods, are the things you find on your plate… your breakfast, lunch and dinner.  We need them to be healthy and nourishing so we can thrive, right?

Well, here’s the other piece of the puzzle, and this has EVERYTHING to do with our health and wellbeing:  Primary Foods.

Primary Foods are the things that “feed” us that aren’t food. You could call it nourishment for the soul– they are all the things we need to feel happy and satisfied from life.

When we aren’t getting “fed” from our Primary Foods, our health and happiness suffer.  When our “soul” (or psyche) is hungry, it truly affects everything else. When we are well-nourished with Primary Foods…well, the other stuff seems to fall more easily into place much of the time.

For example, I know that spending time and really being present with my family makes my life more enjoyable.  I know that the work I do provides me with a deep satisfaction, a deep sense of meaning, being able to help people live healthier, happier, more fulfilled lives.

So what are your Primary Foods? What are the things that make your life more satisfying and worthwhile?  Is it the creativity you feel when you have a paintbrush in your hand? Is it your morning yoga class?  The community group you lead?

Or maybe you’re passionate about health and wellness too!

At this point, you may wondering how Primary Food relates to health crisis this country is in and how you can tap into it this concept to better yourself….

Keep reading!  I’m about to unveil the big “a-ha” and the shocking advice….

How Primary Food Contributes To Health and Happiness

I want you to think back on a time when you were deeply involved in an exciting project. Did time just fly by for you?  Isn’t it amazing how the hours can simply slip away when you’re deeply stimulated and satisfied by the work you’re engaged in?

You might stay up late into the night working or forget to eat lunch because you’re so filled with passion for the task at hand.Or remember your childhood and imagine a day when you were out playing afterschool. Your mom would call you to dinner but you weren’t hungry at all.  You were so filled with joy that playtime was all you could think of.

We all hunger for excitement and adventure, fun and play, success and achievement, love and romance, intimacy and connection, peace and calm, and feeling connected to something larger than ourselves.

The critical point to understand about this concept is that when our primary food is lacking or out of balance, oftentimes many of us will reach for secondary food to alleviate or suppress our hunger for primary food.  Or to try to control those desires.

As a consequence, we begin to see weight gain, disordered eating and other diet related health conditions.

Clearly this substitution simply does not work. When our lives lack something larger and more meaningful, we’ll never be able to “eat” enough to give us the comfort we’re seeking or satisfy our hunger for primary food.

More so, this imbalance can spill over into all areas of our lives leading us to feel “out of sync”, constantly struggling, unsatisfied with life, or like we’re always searching for what will truly make us feel happy.

The One BIG Piece of Primary Food That’s Most Missing

As Health Coaches we often marvel at the sheer numbers of men and women who come to us for dietary advice, yet at the root of their problem, we immediately recognize a primary food imbalance. And lately I’ve been noticing that with my adult clients, there’s one SPECIFIC area of primary food imbalance that simply tops the charts: Career choice.

In today’s day and age, the average American spends more time at work than with their own friends, family and loved ones.  There’s an old adage that says, “How you spend your hours becomes how you spend you days, and how you spend your days becomes how you spend your years….”

Many people are recognizing that their hearts are simply not in their jobs anymore.

Or worse, there are many who actually loath going in to work day after day.  Some women I work with have been out of the workforce for a while, and know they crave something more, but lack either the confidence or the know-how to get back into their passions.

Many people find themselves needing more and more coffee to drag themselves out of bed every morning to face the prospect of another day at the “daily grind.” Or find themselves stuck in the kitchen at 4pm, mindlessly munching on snacks, while trying to get the kids through homework, activities, dinner and bed…

They want off the treadmill, but don’t know how.

So ask yourself now, do you feel like you’re living your life’s purpose when you wake up every morning? Or do you feel there’s something greater you’re supposed to be tapped into that you just haven’t found yet? How happy are you REALLY with the work you do every day?

The “SHOCKING” Advice for 2011

For those of us that contributed to this article, there was a definite and distinct turning point in our lives.  We knew we were passionate about food, health and happiness.  We also knew we had a greater gift to contribute to the world.  We knew we were meant to help others.

You also may be passionate about health and wellness.  So my question for you is, could you see yourself in my shoes, passionately spreading the word– in your own unique way – about what keeps us healthy and happy?

Is my shocking advice to go out and quit your job so you can follow your heart?

For some of you … MAYBE!  It may just be the thing you need to start living to your fullest potential and really see the MASSIVE change that leads you toward the fulfillment you desire.

But more specifically, for all of you, there is ONE recommendation that I can make that trumps all others. This was the greatest recommendation I have ever received and nothing has changed my life in a more positive and meaningful way:

Please explore the possibility of becoming a Health Coach at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition.

A Seriously LIFE-CHANGING Experience

I can tell you from personal experience, when you find work that nourishes your soul, it’s like never again working a day in your life….

And can you imagine the impact this has on your children? Seeing you thrive, doing what you love and making a difference in the world?

The education I received from Integrative Nutrition opened many new and exciting opportunities to me.   It gave me a whole new level of confidence and awareness.  And now my days are GREAT because I get to:

• Be my own boss, make my own hours and build a business I’m really passionate about
• Earn a great income in a career that’s really meaningful
• Transform the lives of others by helping my clients achieve true health and happiness

Do yourself a huge favor…. give yourself the gift of a lifetime.

This is more than an education–this is a passport to an entirely new way of living and being.

So, if you’re interested – or even MAY be interested, don’t delay (the Ring in the New Year’s gift of $500 ends on December 31!),  Here’s your action plan:

ACTION STEP #1: Check out the website where you can see the course curriculum, download a brochure or even attend an information session: www.integrativenutrition.com. You’re going to love what you see!

ACTION STEP #2: Email my colleague Julia coachjulia@integrativenutrition.com. She’ll answer all your questions and give you the “skinny”.

So what are you waiting for?  Here’s to your new life in 2011!

May you find all the happiness you’ve ever desired this year.

This article was the collaborative effort of many talented Health Coach graduates of the Institute for Integrative Nutrition.